Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

Otters see a butterfly.

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

I think about this a lot

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

4 pm:
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9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.