Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
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Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again
“Sir we test parachutes here, don’t say that to people”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”