Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
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My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking