Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
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Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
sensitive skin
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now