“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
