“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
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Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.