Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

Bed should get ready for ME

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.