@CMHorrocks

Is cyanide the most efficient way to kill someone? Asking for a fiend.

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@FailShark

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

@Birdhumms

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

@PaperWash

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

@DirtMcTurd

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

@DurtMcHurtt

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

@10kbabyspiders

While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.