Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
You Might Also Like
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one