Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

waiting for halloween be like:

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.