Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”