was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
You Might Also Like
It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
What a website
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.