Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
You Might Also Like
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.