Is Dutch some sort of clown language
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never ask a starfish for directions
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
THE DOG😭😭💀
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
scares
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
