Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
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“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*