Is fake venison called venisn’t
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Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
The old gods are rising again.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.