Is fake venison called venisn’t
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I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
They’re really bad with fonts.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*