Is fake venison called venisn’t
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My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.