Is fake venison called venisn’t
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FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food