Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.