Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
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Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.