is frankincense just very honest incense?
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ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
every man in east london
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice