is frankincense just very honest incense?
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I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
lol
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
just left a huge legacy in there