Is fructose made with real fruct?
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I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house