Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night

ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?

HIM: I have to go now

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

If your going to insult me at least make me Google it

Him: Amazon Prime and chill?

Her: That’s not something people say.

Him: Sure it is. Bing it.

Her: Also not a thing.

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?