Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
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me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?