@awryaditi

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

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@TheToddWilliams

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

@Cherbearxo

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

@Dawn_M_

Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.

@MeDistracting

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

@Smug_Lemur

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

@fuzzlime

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

@iinkedZombie

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]