Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
You Might Also Like
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes