Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.