Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
You Might Also Like
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.