is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
You Might Also Like
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
🖤✌🏽
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
2023 was just a warmup
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?