Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

thoughts?

Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

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If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

me when i see my girls butt

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

I’d hang this in my house.

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.