is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better