Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.

A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

(me as a paramedic)

*rubbing two cymbals together*

Clear!

*slams cymbals together*

WAKE UP!

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

Not my job 😂

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.