Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”