Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are some weird things about living in the modern world?

I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!

soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”

me: what, like table salt?

soldier: ? why do you call it that

me:

soldier: Why do you call it that.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

I’m not proud

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”