Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

I saw this ending much differently.

[to serial killer]

WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!

*killing intensifies*

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.