Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.