Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.