Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

This is not me but this is me

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin