“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
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You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found