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if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Sorry not sorry.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.