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There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob