Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
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sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone