Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles