Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

My dad teaching me to drive

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife