Is….Is this an option?
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someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
go easy on yourself <3
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.