Is….Is this an option?
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.