Is….Is this an option?
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all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
These work great until they don’t.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…