[guy behind me observes my groceries]
– frozen meals
– small carton of eggs
– half carton of milk
Guy: you must be single
Me: haha, how did you know?
Guy: you’re ugly.
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Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
No matter how much you loved them if a family member or pet comes back from the dead don’t dilly dally kill them immediately
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.