Is….Is this an option?
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I love the National Park Service.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Lmao 🤣
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going