Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
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JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Stop blaming yourself for everything. Learn Feng Shui and blame the fucking furniture
dogs can find happiness so easily
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Leftovers are for quitters!
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana