Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
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Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
excuse me
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
What is going on? 😅
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.