Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
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Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
all that yoga finally paid off
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*