Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
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PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Do one thing every day that scares people.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
me watching my own Instagram story
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”