Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
You Might Also Like
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number