Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
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I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
#Thanos #MondayMood
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
happy friday
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
A short story about romance.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks