Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
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[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Wise advice
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
💁🏻♂️
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
fair
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.