“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
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I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?