“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
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My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?