“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
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Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
when unicorns get really drunk
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I will never stop laughing at this
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish