Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
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“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
Just a phase…
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along