Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.