Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.