Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art