Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

[at the general store]

me: one general please

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water