Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
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I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.