Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

What?!?

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”