is it earth
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I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My first son he is wonderful
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”