is it earth
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“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
sistine chapel
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.