is it earth
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I like crazy people until they notice me
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.